Kid worry

Kid worry

My son is 23 years and on the wrong path. I am afraid for him, he is always getting into trouble , I think he is taking drugs, I know he drinks too much. I am always having to bail him out financially. He says he is sorry but then goes and does the wrong thing again. What can I do? In his heart he is a good boy but he is in with the wrong crowd and wont listen to me, I can’t protect him forever and he is headed for a fall.

signed: Worried Mom

Have you ever heard of the Mac Truck effect? It goes something like this:

We are wandering off course, whatever that might look like, its different for each of us, and the Universe gives us a gentle nudge to put us back on track. “Don’t do that…” 9 times out of 10 we nod impatiently and carry on the same way.

The Universe waits, then nudges again, harder this time, “Seriously this is not taking you where you want to go…” We shake ourselves off, and agree that we really must change… soon.

Next time the nudge comes like a lump of 4 by 2 across the head. We are stunned, maybe into changing our ways, maybe not. If not, we continue until the Mac Truck of eventual consequence flattens us.

Some people need that experience before they shift, others don’t. But to a greater or lesser degree we all have all experienced life’s ‘nudges’ when we’ve gone off track. They are the lessons of cause and effect that we each learn in our own way and in our own time.

Right now you want to ‘save’ your son from being flattened by the Mac truck of eventual consequence you see bearing down on him, and so you have been stepping in to pull him out of harms way. Giving him money, bailing him out, helping him avoid the consequences of his actions. But it sounds like you are now at the point where this is not aiding his growth or helping him to do better, but rather making him less resourceful and more dependent.

If you are always diverting the Universe’s ‘nudges’ then you aren’t giving your son the chance to learn from them. As you’ve pointed out, you can’t protect him forever.

At 23 he is no longer a child, the only way he will learn how to be a man is if you let him take responsibility for his life and choices.

It’s time for tough love Mom. And perhaps time to consider the possibility that you may not necessarily know or understand the lessons he is bringing in to his life in order to grow.

Some people need to hit rock bottom before they can come back up, it’s not the easy way but it is a no less valid choice. We’ve all paid for our ticket to enter life’s playground, and to a large degree we get to choose our own rides. Some go for the merri-go-rounds, others head for the roller coasters!I have come to believe that all we, as parents, can really do is raise our kids the best we know how – and as we learn more we do better. Give them as many skills as possible to enable them to grow into good people, and to cope with whatever the world throws at them. Give them appropriate space to choose their own experiences, and trust that whether we understand it or not, they are experiencing exactly what they need to for their own personal growth. Offer support and have faith that, like us, they create their challenges as part of their growth. Respect them enough to honour their choices, be there to help pick up the pieces if asked, and love them no matter what.